Age5
Summer time the best time,especially with my daddy next to me.
Chubby as I can be,but just as happy,running around knowing that if I fall down,
he has my back.
His big hands and arms,where I felt the safest,like nothing could touch me.
Till one day you felt you had to prove something.
Man to man talking ain't doing nothing for the big bad wolf who lies to go in head on,head strong,heat hot,trigger happy,shots sound off too,seven exactly,daddy..gone.
Age 8
Lil bitch,walking around like this in front of me,
thinkin I ain't gon' want that pussy.
He reaches out a hand stronger than my entire body, I resist but to what avail.
He's mad as hell and I'm scared enough to want to drop dead and heaven or hell don't matter to me.
I just don't want to be here.
Underneath his weight the weight of my world has already fallen and it crashed.
As his hands caress my nipples and his dick playing a game of hide-and-seek with a part of me I don't even really understand, tears roll down my face.
After a month though I'm used him touching me,always I feel dirty,never clean,I am tainted.
He hasn't put it in but too near for me to feel like it's okay the way he tells me.
His voice in my ear the last thing I want to hear but the first thing I hear when mama falls asleep.
Between ages 9 and 13
What you seem to do for me is instill fear.
Show me the life that a black man live,glorified by getting high,only aspiration to spread your seed and do nothing.
Big on the block poppin' off,stuntin but can't buy food for your family.
Beat my sister till she don't know who we are,scars left by that size 10 Tiimbaland boot
you used to stomp her into the ground.
Love locked down because she was stuck to you.
Strung my cousin up in the closet because you had to compete for my Auntie's attention.
The belt wrapped tight enough I can see that his light brown skin, is now the color of a rainbow as we would find.
Only thirteen but at least now her attention can't divide because his twin sister is so gone,she had to leave home.
Took Jerm down to the project,set up that nonsense,but he didn't want to jump in,
he just wanted to play basketball,guess his answer was wrong.
Ten of them D-boys but he still swinging whooped all they ass,but a pipe is the last glimpse he see clear.
Followed by that two by four,stuck 'em with one-two-three-four,just like big bro taught him.
Ran like hell,made it home,he was okay.
Went to sleep,for what would be his etern,auntie found him,covered his mouth was by the foam,eyes closed,a seizure from internal brain injury.
That's what they said after the autopsy.
13 and 14
You took us in good Christian man,you and you wife.
Better than being in the cold,Lord knows how thankful I am.
Me,moms and three of my best friends,my only friends.
Nephew,baby brother and J.
Only a couple months go by till we realize that you like to get high and beat your wife.
Now she has black eyes and she's not as beautiful, and lately your gaze on me holds on a little longer than it should.
Too much to comfort my big brother.
"Nigga you touch her,you won't get to touch another one."
Threats of the police,hoping he chill but they both rise to their feet,one hit,quit,can't find his teeth,his glasses broken,my brother and nephew I'm holdin' they don't understand.
She screams,her and my mother both cussin and wondering where god is exactly in this good Christian home.
No wonder Lucifer refused to bow to man,they full of shit and he knew this.
For it he was condemned,just like my big brother was.
Separated again,for another two years.
Age 16
Guess she felt lonely and he made her feel complete,
that or a live in dealer is every addicts dream.
It's great,he's cool with the family.
Little do they know he hat them all.
He the reason we never get they calls and when they come over,get the grammy ready,
smiling toothless and just as gentle as a old man should.
40 something doing what should have been the top of your game before thirty and hung up before your time passed,too late it passed and now you half ass the job like others before you.
I have to tolerate you,you take our food&the money goes to you.
My little brother hate you more than I do,he want to bond and be step daddy.
'He just wanna hit me."
And I find out that he does so he sleeps in my room and I barracade it well,in case of emergency we exit by window.
You get bold and you come into my room,I swear I'm dreaming but you hand signifies enough.
I look you up and what do I find:
Sex offender,registered,since that time you raped those two little girls,three and nine.
It stops there because I don't allow myself to even give chance a try,all you've done is make me cry,lie,cheat,steal,hurt worse and cut deep beyond what the eyes can see.I gave up on you because you never show me a reason to believe anything more.
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