Being Colored Is Not For the Faint of Heart

Being colored is not for the faint of heart.
It is a battle internal daily, wanting to pray, but doubting if prayer to a man primarily projected as white who happened to die for my sins on Friday conflicts with my knowledge of men and women subjected to things worse than death daily. History makes me crazy the way it conveniently ignores what is fact as opposed to what is factually pleasing. At some point people with similar tones of my darkly complected skin were traded in for the profit of insanity, inhumanity at its worst, still legal at its best even now. Subtle and technically termed under cover of policy, education systems that only look at the lives lived in chains. We know the names of few men, who marched and preached, though I ‘m certain black history goes beyond Dr. King. Don’t suggest that I limit my speech, I exert one of the few freedoms that I have as a human being and that freedom is to express not for your own happiness, but for the fact that I want to know who I am beyond a socially constructed title and still some part of me remains idle for the sake of the part of me not ready for this battle, even though I’m in the war with each day that I use ‘proper English, succeed, and even exist. Yes we’re all aware that as a nation, this is a story of that past. If that is the case, then answer me this, why are you uncomfortable now?

Jaded

Why do you upset me, make me love you and then stress me out again?
Is it because you doubt the words that I say?
Is it the price that I pay for the broken heart of your past?
When I show more than I speak every time
walk the line even though I'm afraid to fall
fell for you and let go of what, lately feels like so much of me,
the thought of letting you go stings my eyes like the tears that fall
When I give my all and you sometimes, don't notice at all
You got me gone, but I need to come back
Looking at myself as if this were a dream, the independent me, and she
With her head high and her heart set higher upon a pedestal that she swore wouldn't be won over
With mere promise of rose petals, has been leveled to this love,
Not love, bliss, this bliss that is the root of infatuation shrouded in a being jaded by what she longed for
And still longs for
Hoping that she has not falling just trapped in a lesson or on this battlefield with an angel in disguise.
If that is the case then he sure as hell knows how to hide.
Don't watch me burn; help me fly.

Rest Your Weary Heart

You are beyond exceptional
And phenomenal isn't even enough to describe you.
Your heart's tormented, because instead of guiding you,
It sometimes blinds you
From the fact that love is a natural part of who you are
And it forces you to be everything, sometimes less, than what you are.
Girl I'm telling you, no man can lay hands on your heart the way you can
Take back that love nurture it till it's grown
It's yours to give and it's yours to own.
Someday one as amazing will help you see
That will be the day you'll know you're ready
From tears your eyes are heavy but keep your spirits light.
Even when you feel like you can't take another day
And it's too hard; look up.
Remember that when the sky is darkest, that’s when you see the stars.
Let your peace be still and rest your weary heart.

C.J's Blues

Tears upon eyelashes cast out like she.
Sniffling replaces the silence that is a stand in for screams-
Too horrible to set free and yet so freeing, but in the tomb of herself she,
Sees no liberation.
Her world is shaken before she can even attempt to lay a foundation.
Her heart is in the right place, but the being in question is wrong simply because it is hers.

Like the, caged bird

She sings, even when no one wants to hear her song, because it is hers.
It is all that comes first when she just has to be last, but the weeping won't be long lasting.
Like tears troubled times come only in passing
Before the quiet rolls in.
In life there has to be rain for us to appreciate when the sun's finally shinin'.

You and Me; A tale so bittersweet

We didn't need words-
Lover don't you say a thing; I know just what you need:
Honesty, gently caressing wrinkles of past lies good-bye.
Trust me with your life and I'd sooner trade mine before I see yours betrayed; friend.
More than a man, but lately in the museum of you on display I see a boy:
Hiding behind empty promises as if they were the mother that shields you
Showering me with distractions when I've already seen the real you.
My pockets too acquainted with empty; I know better than to want any more than I need
Simplicity offers peace, but greed seems to be the spark of insanity.
And the torch you handed to me encased in gold, outlined in platinum.
In turn I gave you all I could; my promise to be all that I could and my word is my bond.
I gave you my most prized possession: my fragile heart.
To write this is to admit that I feel too fast.
Reality came back in the form of five foot nine, eyes green, like envy,
Ivory skin; created from poison, isn't she?
But she's not my enemy my disappointment is in you.
I don't drown in my tears because in me hope still floats for you.
Am I dreaming again?
Drifting between bitter sweet moments again.
Don't know where my smile begins and where ends the sound of this slowly breaking heart.
It's like 'we' were over before you and I got the chance to start.

That Which is Lost

Has to be found-

I feel like I lost you, in fact, I know I did.

I don't see an end this separation, but I can guess where it began.

We were best friends, but that was when we were kids

last time I'd check you still were when I moved away

Four years later and you're all grown up they say.

To me you were and are always my niece; not that much younger than me,

but if any one ask naturally the response is spoken factually; my title is auntie.

Don't know where it went wrong, I just know that we need to make it right,

what's right is this fight for a twisted conversation

from the root of a connection to someone in which you have more than deep affection

but their intentions seem to be all too familiar

to the lovers of the jaded and broken girls we said we would never be.

We had plans to grow into women, you and me.

I see you're a mama now and it makes my heart smile.

Will my great niece and nephew know me?

If life allows me the time of course it's on my list of things to do

before I bid this world good-bye.

No fire hot enough, no water too high can keep me from doing it.

I still love you even if you don't know it.

In time I know I'll be able to show it.

Word is Born