Emotional Idiot

Be near me,hold me,show me that you care.
You're to close to me,let go of me,why are you here?
I never see you anymore,I see you too much.
Mi amor ven aqui.
I have to admit of all days I was a super bitch today. My friend Jose (hahaha that rhymed) and I had this battle of words,not even a battle,those are strategic.This was like monkeys flinging poo.Or Gorillas rather,considering that was what he said I resembled.I know right,shut me off: BOOF!Hitting way below the belt for no reason at all.A reason.Who needs one anyway right.We say we're so close but lately we fight,then we chill7some more.But that's the thing we are close so we know how to hit.He scheming,wants me to marry him so he can be legit,but how can I turn matrimony into this business propisiton.People telling me I don't understand tilll I'm in that position.A generic example yes because I cannot change where I was born and I wouldn't even if I could because it's who I am.Thius is where I'm from and matrimony,the way I was raised is a love between two people who want to live&die devoted to one another.Almost like a brother to me,this feel even said something about a lawyer,so they were probably even going to review me.I mean i said yes to get a reaction,because I knew that it wasn't serious.I guess it is because tonight when he walked away from he was definitley down from that high.No,not the hig from excitement he was actually smokin them shits earlier.But he snapped back into reality like B-Rabbit aftr that bad spaghetti.
Why would I even play with a fire like that,I don't know but yes I do.I'mm looking for an excuse,I want people to walk away from me.Fight harder for me.Turn and actually face me,go behind my back and never back.Why do they bother with me.My friends I mean,my family could give a damn unless I suddenly came into riches.I'm so used to people caniving,crying,chetaing,stealing&lying that when I get the real,the legit I gotta counter at times with the nonsense.YES IT IS BOOTLEG AS HELL,THAT'S NOT THE REAL ME!Looks like it could be if I don't let go of these insecurities&fears.
I take back nothing because that's too relative to regret and those are pointless which is also why I stopped saying 'I didn't mean it' a long time ago.That's bullshit.If something leaves your mouth you processed just enough for some kind of meaning.With the exception of what I said just a couple days ago 'I don't love you,I didn't,they were words' I lied so much it stills hurts to think about.
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have work out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop


I felt you,but you didn't now me.I was hiding behind an ideal.One you made for me&one I wanted to be.Who I am,I don't like very much right now.My mood is down or too fucked up to be down for.I'm too emotional,then I'm shut off and from my core ther is a build up of hurt,disdain,lies and most of all an identity maimed!I H-A-T-E this 'new' me.The thing is that I allowed it to be and it's up to me to get right,but I've been swinging for so long I'm starting to wonder....For what reason am I fighting for?